“I Know You’re Good, But How is She?”
Updated: Jan 28
More than 50 percent of men asked about intimacy and possibilities to explore a deeper connection with their partner, have a universal response - “Bro I’m good, I’m handling my business.” Many sex coaches might say, “Let’s ask her?” Understanding sexual satisfaction is crucial to the success of a couple. And if those same men were asked to name more than five erogenous zones other than the butt, clitoris, neck, nipples, and vagina, they would be unable to expand their mental capacity for female arousal. Research shows that there are more than 13 erogenous zones on a woman. Contrary to popular belief, the vagina is not an erogenous zone. Although most men will pound their chest and stroke their ego, the truth is they are depriving their partners of 60% of an erotic experience.
More than 30 studies dating back to the 1940 around vaginal intercourse suggest that only 25% of women consistently experience an orgasm with each sexual encounter. Approximately 1/2 of women sometimes have an orgasm at all. Twenty percent hardly ever have orgasms, and the final 5% never have orgasms. These statistics are rarely discussed among couples because most of society focuses on pleasing the male. This one-sided approach towards sex has caused many relationships to suffer.
In fact, 50 % of all marriages in the US will end in divorce or separation this year. Second, 1 in 4 couples are in a sexless marriage. I am not implying that the relationship should be based on sex. However, I am advocating for an environment for “in to me see” that promotes open communication and ensures both partners can experience their true authentic intimate expression. Let’s look at the significance of having this conversation sooner rather than later.
The chart below reflects how over time the number of missed opportunities for sexual satisfaction can add up when female pleasure zones are ignored. Consequently, this could significantly impact the health of the relationship, extinguish all sexual desire and lead to infidelity. For example, a couple married 5 years would miss approximately 120 opportunities to experience their full intimate expression. Since our society mostly focused on pleasing the man, this could explain why the men mentioned above appear delusional thinking they are “handling their business”. If this behavior continues, at 10 years he runs the risk of denying his partner the opportunity to experience her full intimate expression 240 times. It is possible to argue that they are having intercourse on a regular basis, therefore she should be “good”. The challenge for men is how excited would you be if your partner had an orgasm and you were unsatisfied (No orgasm for you!) 240 times? How excited would you be to engage in any sexual activities when your partner’s ego precludes an environment for open dialog about sexual fulfillment? Nonetheless, there is hope for either partner who finds themselves in this predicament.
If you find your relationship in a similar situation, there are options to breaking this trend. Research demonstrated that 93% of women experienced an orgasm when their partner spent just 21 minutes on focused, energetic foreplay. It is possible for both partners to experience to full intimate expression of each other. And on a consistent basis!
Here are a few suggestions for developing sexual health in marriage
(1) Take responsibility of your sexual health. No one can better advocate for you better than yourself.
(2) Visiting a sexuality coach, therapist or sex expert to help you understand your pathway to your authentic intimate expression.
(3) Find a safe non-threatening environment to broach the conversation with your partner. In this conversation, be as authentic and display some form of vulnerability.
(4) Explore and commit to couple’s counseling, retreats or other alternatives to get expert advice and strategies to turn the relationship around.
(5) Embrace your journey of “in to me see” to discover the firey gem of passion and authenticity that awaits your newfound relationship.
For more information or strategies, contact TMI Counseling and Coaching to begin your journey to discovering your authentic intimate expression.